Autistic Identity

Since I was young, I always knew something was there — I felt different like in a way where I could not relate to my peers or even family members. I barely get along with my sister who is two years older than me so I believe that makes her 32 right now? I’m a late, self-diagnosed autistic and I embrace it. I embrace it because it is my actual identity and knowing this about myself is a part of my healing journey. It’s important to be completely authentic about who we are, including releasing and letting go of the shame and stigma that others perpetuate with mental health, trauma, and autism spectrum disorder.

The only person I could relate to growing up would be my mother. My mom has undiagnosed autism or some sort of learning issue, and she is not aware of it. I know this because it can be very difficult to talk to her but not as difficult to talk to her. It’s like they say neurodivergents relate to neurodivergents and it’s no wonder why I still feel that connection to my mom. Throughout the years, my mom has disclosed having learning issues and how this may have been passed on to me. My mom and I have auditory processing challenges and, for anyone with these challenges, you just know. We each process and cope to situations, words, and experiences very differently. On that note, I was also a breech baby. What do I mean by that? I was born with my bottom first coming out and I had breathing difficulties. Apparently, I almost killed my mother. Like, that’s how bad the pregnancy was. That being said, I am not a licensed expert and I am only going off of our personal interactions and from what I have observed amongst my mother and I.

I wanted to post this link here which is dated back to 2009 and I thought this would be a very good read: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090427091115.htm

The link here outlines the detrimental impacts of those who are breech babies. I am a breech baby and I almost killed my mother. I came out butt first and I’m glad to be alive today. More so, I am happy that my mother made it through that pregnancy. Breech babies are also known to have learning disabilities with the risk of autism spectrum disorder. And as most of you are well aware, science does not lie.

https://journals.lww.com/adhb/fulltext/2019/09010/is_breech_presentation_associated_with_autism.4.aspx — This article is dated back to 2019.

https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/158gfvb/anyone_else_here_a_breech_csection_baby/?rdt=47527 — A user on Reddit from 2 years ago suggests there being a high correlation amongst breech babies and autism spectrum disorder/learning disabilities.

From the three distinct articles shared, this gives a broader understanding of how it has been like being a breech baby and barely surviving from 0 years old. Being a breech baby can be traumatizing as I was close to dying, given the breathing difficulties.

My mom confronted me a few years ago and she was like, “I think you may be autistic.” I looked at her as someone in my early 20’s and in denial of this but knowing that she could be right; I was too stubborn to admit it and I felt gaslit by the shame and stigma perpetuated at me. I was a target by vicious cyber stalkers whenever I chose to share my mental health and trauma. And then I met someone still very close to my heart who is autistic themselves and I will always keep this person in my thoughts and prayers. This person basically told me that I am autistic and she see’s herself in me. It’s like I said at the beginning of this entry: Neurodivergents can suss out other neurodivergents. She encouraged and advised me to be open about my neurodivergence and that it’s okay to be autistic. I spent weeks, months, and years trying to find some sort of logical answer and it appears the answers to some of my problems would be the undiagnosed autism.

However, obtaining a formal diagnosis of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) which I know I absolutely have is a start to being thoroughly assessed for ASD. It’s not only a start but a necessity in the near future, and this may be sooner than later. It was a start spending months to years researching on autism and knowing that ADHD and Autism actually go together. If you are someone with ADHD and autistic traits, your life can be challenging and like an up and down roller coaster. And given the up and down rollercoaster, these traits are often confused with stigmatizing labels such as labels in the cluster B criteria (ie., borderline personality disorder). In my early 20’s, I was slapped with that label and, as much as I have a few traits such as the abandonment and attachment wounds, it is a misdiagnosis. There is a huge overlap amongst BPD and autism spectrum disorder, and people get this confused.

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/misdiagnosis-monday/boderline-personality-disorder-or-autism/ — When I firstly diagnosed with BPD in my early 20’s, I believed my psychiatrist at the time and I spent months to years placing this label on me. However, a label is only just a label and I refuse to acknowledge or own this one because I know for a fact that I do not have borderline and that is not a primary concern. It took years of research and throughout my own self-realization’s, self-awareness, and healing to radically accept that I am autistic with ADHD and C-PTSD. The C-PTSD is there as a result of experiencing a multitude of trauma’s over time. My life has not been easy and it has to do, again, with the undiagnosed autism and being extremely naive and vulnerable in situation. To add, it’s the inability to properly read the room and sense danger and, if you’re autistic, you can likely relate to this. I have always had an issue of not being able to sense dangerous situations.

For added context — When I was raped in May and the summer of 2023 by a covert, malignant narcissist, I was unable to see the very obvious red flags and the immediate dangerous situation. For example when I offered to clean this person’s place of residence for free, I had never met this person ever in my life and I thought I could help him out. I would still clean someone’s place though. However that particular experience opened my eyes to a point where I know not to meet online strangers and to trust my gut instincts first. I felt really sorry for this person as they opened up in a Twitter space one day and they were going off about being on employment insurance for many months which resulted in being depressed and not being able to work. As a result, this person emphasized how they need help to clean their place and I offered. I remember him having a stutter in the space and he was all over the place. I try not to judge though and I try to keep an open mind for everyone as we’re all human beings just looking for connection. I also gave this person far too many chances and I had the opportunity to leave; I should have left at the first red flag of repeated patterns. However, I am not here to blame myself or anyone. I am here to heal and share my experiences to help others.

While growing up at school, I was severly bullied on the emotional and physical level which has had a detrimental impact on who I am today. Amidst being bullied for being autistic and socially awkward, I still tried to be kind to the bullies. I remember my sister standing up for me during one situation and my sister started to get physically aggressive. I don’t condone violent behavior and I always believe in talking to people or even educating others about their harmful behaviors. That’s the type of kid I was — Observant, quiet, socially awkward, and even though I was bullied, I still tried to be kind to the bullies. As an adult in their 30’s today, I am still bullied and cyber stalked which can be very uncomfortable. I’ve been the victim of targeted harassment and cyber stalking since 2021, and there comes a day when you have to put your foot down and expose these people for who they are. There’s also the educative and awareness pieces that are needed to inform the public. That being said and everything I’ve shared, I haven’t had the easiest upbringing and that’s okay because I embrace these challenges. I embrace me, my flaws, my mistakes — And I love myself for every mistake and character flaw as it transforms me into a beautiful butterfly who is still alive and breathing.

There’s also the part of being largely misunderstood and I still feel this way. When I say misunderstood, let me talk about this more as this stems back from my childhood at a very young age. From the time I even met my parents and my sister, I’ve attempted to hold conversations and I would get frustrated over speaking. I remember refusing to speak when my needs were not met by my parents, more so my mother. I remember suppressing these autistic meltdowns and I had a ton of these meltdowns growing up — I’d suppress these meltdowns to a point of complete shutdown mode. And when I’m in this state, I can still talk. I can still post to my anonymous outlets. If anything and when I am experiencing a complete shutdown mode, I need my outlets more than anything. I need to get my feelings out there and, if writing everything down helps, I will do just that.

Going back to my childhood and trying to maintain a simple conversation can be frustrating though. Overall, I am not good at maintaining conversations which includes maintaining eye contact. Eye contact to me feels like the person’s eyes are drilling onto mine and I can’t explain that any better than I already have. These days whenever I am in an intense conversation, I have to make sure to look at the floor. A friend gave me good advice to look at the person’s forehead and their worry lines and the other person still assumes we are making eye contact. Often times, I do this but it’s still a constant struggle. I know that interviews have always been difficult, whether virtual or in-person, because I have to maintain eye contact and it makes it hard to blink especially for virtual meetings. I know that in-person interviews are even more challenging because it’s in-person and more intimidating. It’s difficult to fight the urge to look away and stare at the ground with the interviewer(s) likely wondering, “why is she looking at the ground?” This is why when it comes to conversations especially in workplace professional environments, I don’t really talk. I’m observant though. I know it’s better to listen more than to speak. Ever heard of the saying, “listen to understand versus listen to defend.” I’m still learning the art of this and nobody in this world will be an expert at their listening skills. I’m self-aware to say that I am not an expert at my listening skills and I never will be. I also suck at communication. However throughout the years, I have been getting better at my communication skills.

On the topic of high masking, the majority of neurodivergent’s/autistics do high mask. What does this mean though? High masking your autistic traits can be extremely overwhelming, over time. I’m basically mimicking neurotypical traits to fit in and not be further bullied and shamed. Going back to my childhood, I was bullied for being autistic and socially awkward. I have been high masking my autism for many years and, now, I don’t really care because I want people to know that I am autistic. This has been a struggle for many years and it feels good to finally talk about it. Don’t get me wrong though, there are still some instances where I am high masking my autism and this has gotten better over the years. For example, I no longer feel the need to even wear make up or dress up nicely in public. I just dress for myself and I intend to be comfortable. I, personally, never agreed with the use of make-up. I never liked it and I find it a waste of money. It never made sense to me at all. I will admit that when I see others in a lot of make up, I do question why that person needs so much make up because we’re all naturally beautiful in our own way. For an upcoming interview that I have on March 3rd, I will not be wearing make up and I will be wearing a sweater to my virtual interview. Virtual interviews are soo much easier than in-person interview settings. Virtual interviews are still sensory inducing but they’re a tad bit better and manageable for my autistic needs.

I’ve recently learned that taking much needed sensory breaks has significantly helped me. This includes taking breaks from social media as I’m sure you’re all aware that social media can be draining, especially when there’s heavy content on your news feed or situations where you feel like you’re being stalked. It’s healthy and okay to set limits on the use and time we spend scrolling through the platforms we use. It’s healthy to set and enforce these reasonable limits which are like boundaries. And a therapist taught me this — I will admit that I have been spending an excessive amount of time on my anonymous outlets. However, that will change soon because I will start to enforce reasonable limits on the amount of time I give myself to social media. We should not be, realistically, looking at our phones all day. There are limits to put in place even for social media. This here is a goal I am still working on in therapy. I will still post periodically but I have other priorities to focus on as that’s what being an adult is like.

In terms of sensory breaks, it’s important to emphasize self care with boundaries. Self-care can look differnet for each of us. For myself, I love the expression of writing and art. I would love to get back into photography, traveling solo this summer, reading, games, nature walks, and doing my nails again. I recently did my nails a few days ago and they, admittingly, do need to be touched up again. A colleague I had recently worked with specified, “we do our nails for US and nobody else” and I will never forget that. There’s something therapeutic about painting our nails. We get to choose the type and color of the nail polish, first of all. And then we get to design our nails specifically to what we want our nails to look like. In terms of photography, I took this photography class in high school and I instantly fell in love with photography and it sucks my photography is at my mom’s husband’s house (or whatever their relationship is like right now). I will just try to invest in another camera because I do like my pictures and travelling. For anyone reading this and you love travelling too, you know what I’m talking about here. I intend to travel to somewhere new this summer but once I get the job situation on board. With my hope, dedication, and commitment, I will likely get another full-time job within my profession by March to April of this year.

Given the topic of self-care, I can likely go on about this forever. However, I feel that I need to write a separate entry titled something like, ‘Self Care for Autistics’ because it can possibly be inspiring and we’re all here to connect and help each other?

I want to also add that having a sensory friendly environment can be very beneficial for my wellbeing, personally. When I say sensory friendly environment, I’m talking about my plushies and weighted unicorn and dinosuar. I used to be embarrassed to show this and I’m not anymore because it’s who I am. There’s something so therapeutic and comforting about just one plushie and there’s no shame in this! I used to have groovy and TY dolls growing up and I talk about this in another entry titled Growing Up. It’s a lengthy read so get your tea or coffee prepared…

On that note, I think I wrote a lot and I may need to take a much needed sensory break. It’s the weekend and I’m trying to focus on the priorities on my to-do list right now. It’s almost 12pm and I’m going to close this entry and be back later as I take some time to re-energize and get the spoons capacity to write more.

Thanks for reading!