Before Codependency
There’s a book I read about Codependency by Melody Brittle. I have the hard copy and I listened to the Spotify version back in November. Either or, Melody Brittle talks about Codependency and taking control of one’s life and she highlights the importance of self love, and personal and professional boundaries.
For many years, I used to be in the fawn response, where I was largely codependent and I would say “yes” to anyone. I was people pleasing, while having my own needs unmet. By doing this, I would be ending my day as I got home from my days ‘socializing’ and I would wonder why I would be so drained. I didn’t have any time or energy for myself. I was constantly low on spoons. However, I still felt the need to support everyone around me. There was this fear that if I said “no” to someone, that they would get upset or angry at me. I’ve learned to accept those emotions for what they are, and I’m still working on that.
In this life, we have to learn to balance saying “no” and “yes.” There will be disappointments and, even, resentments amongst friends. That is okay, and some of us take time and space a part to try to figure out our own lives, personally and even professionally.
Like I always say, every single person - They’re at different wavelengths in this journey called life. I’m at a different and very rocky but almost peaceful wavelength in this journey called life. And so are my friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and strangers in the community.
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Before codependency, I was in my 20’s, forming unhealthy attachment styles and thinking this pattern of behavior was okay. As a matter of fact, it is not okay and can be awkward and toxic in the eyes of others. I never realized that until someone I met through work kept having very direct and honest conversations with me. First of all, I’ve never been able to maintain many friendships as a result of my own social awkwardness, inability to read social cues, and by forming unhealthy attachment styles. I know the reasons why I don’t have many friends and I’ve just listed them. Autistics, overall, do not have many friends and I’m perfectly okay with the small circle I already have. This person directly and honestly told me about me being attached to them, and she IS right. I need to talk about this to further heal and I hope that’s okay. I have only gratitude and appreciation for this person as they are giving me basic LIFE SKILLS to not just survive anymore but to THRIVE as a 30 year old adult. I mean, I really do not want to be 40 years old and having to deal with my own insecure attachment styles so I send my thank you’s to this person because they are helping me, even if she doesn’t see it. Man, I just got emotional there.
Without this important person in my life, where would I be? They say in therapy to not rely on others and I’ve been quite clearly relying on others to have my needs met, when I need to meet my own needs. I’ve been people pleasing and saying “yes” after super exhausting work days, when I could have said a simple “no, can we please re-schedule?” Another example: I would be talking to another friend that’s mutual with this person I was attached too and before I would ask how that particular friend is doing (as were taking time and space — And we took time and space from one other many times because of this issue, and also me not having boundaries).
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I’m 30 years old right now and I refuse to repeat those patterns. A very good, pure hearted person has been working with me to instill my own autonomy and continue to have hope for me. And the hope she has is through her own thoughts, prayers, and, in general, just by existing and being a good person. If I’m being honest, people have just walked away when they could have been patient and had open conversations with me. I am not blaming anyone. I just think this world needs more patience, especially when we are dealing with autistic individuals with heavy trauma from their past.
At the end of the day, I know what I need to do, and I’m doing this for me. We’re all at different wavelengths in this journey called life and we have to keep fighting. I went from solely just surviving to, now, thriving. It’s one day at a time! People do care about us. People do see our worth. People are there. We can’t always be reliant on others for support, and sometimes we have to find those support systems ourselves. That’s exactly what I had to do, especially in terms of implementing my OWN safety plan in which I did whilst I was doing inpatient care recently. Inpatient hospitalization 2x has really helped and benefited my life, and I have better coping mechanisms to put at large.
If I recall my last therapy session on December 2nd of 2024, where I literally took over the entire session and we went over just a bit. I talked about a lot, and I must say that therapy really helps to process my own life. Once I get my benefits through my job, I’ll have free of charge therapy sessions so this will be very good for me. I know that, as an autistic person, I wouldn’t be able to personally live without therapy, podcasts, self-help books, and music. These are all crucial elements in my life. I forgot to add my blogs which I periodically write and then disappear for a while. I try to keep my Medium blog active though, especially when there’s a lot I need and want to write down. Sometimes just posting to Twitter/Bluesky is not enough. I’ve learned that writing about my own healing and recent progresses can be better if I phrased that correctly.
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I used to be ashamed of the person I was in my 20’s because that girl had no sense, guidance, purpose, or direction in life. I was basically winging life every day, and trying to survive. I was constantly in crisis and there was no stability. From the binge drinking, my low self esteem, and over working myself — This certainly didn’t help as these were all trauma responses to avoid my problems. I’ve learned recently and my mother was right — Work on your mental health first before working because everything will catch up to you eventually. A close friend with breast cancer basically said the same thing and I’m going to share her personal quote here as I feel it could benefit, help, and even inspire others too:
Slow down, let go, & let others.
Through Supporting my friend with breast cancer, I learned what breast cancer in its entirety and how to support and talk to someone experiencing breast cancer and/or other cancers. I’m aware it can rob us of life, in general. And I know just by being there as a friend is enough support. Sometimes, sitting there in silence with someone who just did a chemotherapy treatment is enough. I am grateful I was able to secure enough money through GoFundMe and promote my friends story on other promotional pages. That will be a memory but I will take a pause, for the time being, as I continue to focus on my sleep, these overnights, and what I need to prioritize (in terms of goals/lesson plans) in therapy. My next therapy session is on December 20th and the goals are:
- Time for me to focus on myself
- Not to use Twitter when triggered.
I tend to get very impulsive to a point where I would post things and then realize that those I care about are reading what I’m posting, and when I’m posting in these dysregulated states, I really should not be on Twitter/Bluesky at the very least. Especially if I’m triggered, I really should not be on social media. If in on my main account here, I’m doing better than a few weeks ago and even a few months ago. I’m trying to, at least, continue to make progress. That’s all we can do as imperfect human beings. I may take it upon myself to blog a lot more these days because there’s far too much on my mind. I’ve really come a long way and I’m proud of myself as I never knew I would be ever able to heal and recover from my past.
I got off topic briefly and wanted to go back to my 20’s and how largely codependent I was — and all the foolish things I did and even said that only pushed those I care about the most away.
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I would come home from a long day at work and get drunk, pass out, and then have work the following day — And I’d either be hung over or just super tired from being inebriated the night before. Someone made a comment to me about a year or so ago, about being a ‘high functioning’ alcoholic, and I do agree with them. I am an alcoholic and I’m now aware I have an extreme sensitivity and allergy to alcohol. I must refrain from all alcoholic beverages. Whilst drunk, I do know I get super suicidal and depressed, to a point where I would also be messaging those I care about and love. There is shame there but I’ve learnt through therapy to not hold onto the past and to focus on the here and the now. And then upon waking up and being in this hungover state of mind,I’d shamefully re-read my drunken messages and delete them. I don’t delete messages anymore. People don’t have to believe that and that’s okay. Someone close to me told me that deleting messages means that I’m not holding myself accountable and I would like to keep holding myself accountable please and thank you. I’m glad that person had that conversation with me.
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I’ve developed much self-awareness throughout the years, and I’m constantly learning and growing.
Breaking through the barriers of my own codependency was a start to becoming self-aware of that. I then had to re-train my mind through reparenting and self-love practices to stop the people pleasing altogether. This took time. This took dedication. And this a lot of emotional, much needed, breaks because it’s overwhelming altogether. It’s overwhelming because my childhood was a nightmare but I’m not longer that afraid kid without a voice.
I’m someone with a voice.
I’m someone that can continue to self-advocate for myself and try to get my needs met.
I’m someone with my own boundaries now. When I didn’t have or understand boundaries, I would be disrespecting and not acknowledging other people’s boundaries.
When someone has their own boundaries, you develop a heightened sense of emotional intelligence and you just know. You now know to acknowledge and respect those persons boundaries because yours are as equally important too.
Example: sometimes I want time and space for myself, and that’s okay. Sometimes our friends may need time and space for themselves too, and that’s okay.
This life and I’m sure we all already know this — Can be very overwhelming and challenging for autistics. We live in a neurotypical world with no instruction manual. Please imagine for a second how someone on the spectrum for autism could be navigating — Life.
In a nutshell, I’m glad to be 30 years old because it’s brought many more opportunities and blessings. Being 30 has taught me to develop self-respect, self-love, and boundaries for myself (personally and professionally).
I can still be a giver. I can still be a kind person. I can still care for and love others. I’m important too. And I can no longer pour from an empty cup. Furthermore, autistic shutdown mode taught me all of this as well — The importance and value of MY life.
If I am drained myself, how can be of any benefit to support others?
If this close friend were to reconnect, I would actually request some type of phone call of message conversation where I need to, try my best, indicate that I am doing overnights from Sunday to Thursday and I am free to socialize on either Fridays or Saturdays. I find that these overnights shifts take a ton of spoons capacity out of me. It’s difficult to explain. I just know that I’m struggling doing these night shifts and I’m also trying to utilize them to the best of my ability as I continue to heal and recover from the intergenerational trauma/cycle that I have broken.
I am a cycle breaker and the first in my family to do that. I have let go of my abusive father, my emotionally abusive and perfectionist mother, and my bully of a sister — I’ve let go for my own wellbeing for family can be chosen guys. Blood does not mean family. Some blood family members are as damaging to our psyche and, sometimes, we just have to walk away. And you know what? I walked away guys!
How do I feel?
I feel empowered. I no longer cry whenever someone talks about my own family or, especially, my mother. I’ve written many letters to her and they will always be unsent.
I don’t need a mom. I do not want a mom. I am my own mother.
-Anonymous
