Being 30
When you’re told from a very early age that perfectionism is what it is and we cannot make mistakes — You learn that you have to be perfect. Realistically, you do not need to be perfect. My mother instilled perfectionism into my sister and I whilst growing up and it took years of therapy to break out of those habits into better ones — By habits, it took years to tell tell myself that perfectionism does not exist and to embrace more of my mistakes and love myself for those mistakes. This itself takes time and patience with the self. I’m not blaming her for wanting my sister and I to be perfect, and there’s very good traits and qualities about my mother. I still love, value, and appreciate my Mom as she’s taught and brought me up into an independent, resilient, and fierce woman. She’s taught me what she could with the limited capacity at times and she is still my mother and she will always be my mother. She was also raised by a toxic mother who was emotionally and physically abusive so there’s a ton of trauma towards her own upbringing. On top of my father’s abuse towards her, my mother did the best she could with the limited capacity and means. She tried and that’s what matters.
Recently, I’ve worked on letting go of the past, especially my mother’s remarriage in 2015 as that brought on a ton of abandonment wounds. I basically do not approve but I’ve also accepted that. Because if I continue to dwell on my mother’s marriage and disapprove of it, I won’t be happy. I can only accept and let go of that chapter, and be happy because my mom is happy. A part of my gut knows that my mom may not be truly happy but she has my contact number and she can always reach out if she chooses too. As of right now, I must continue to focus on my healing and recovery journey.
Being told from my therapist about Acceptance-Commitment therapy and taking the initiative and responsibility to look into this — This will be my new type of therapy even if this looks like self-help at the beginning because this type of therapy can be incredibly difficult to find. I’m determined though!! We have to actively reach out and research these supports. The internet is full of endless HELP if you really look into it.
Upon turning 30 years old last July, I developed a better mindset while looking back at the careless and foolish mistakes of my 20’s era — I’m realizing that I am no longer that foolish person from my 20’s. However, the fact that I have been able to survive and thrive for many years, 10 to be approximate, and live on my own is commendable. Not many of us who are on the spectrum for autism are able to survive and thrive that long. I want to include the word thrive as well because it’s important to acknowledge our accomplishments and celebrate the many victories. Living on my own for 10 years is a huge accomplishment, let alone surviving traumatic and triggering situations with little supports. There’s reasons why I value quality over quantity, and why the very few close friends that are currently in my life are friends that I know will be there for a while, maybe even for a life time. I value my friends and their existence for they are my chosen family and we have each helped, inspired, and guided each other throughout this tedious and very challenging journey called life. It’s also okay if friends take breaks from one another. I’ve learned that, in time, we always find each other again even through small strides of acts of subtle kindness, gratitude, and appreciation. Life is about giving time, space, and patience — And just being a genuinely good and kind person. Amidst my own challenges, I try and I really do try to inspire, help, and uplift others because it’s important to, especially in a world of so much hate.
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I’m sensing a very good year this 2025. On top of the trauma I’ve had to endure from 2016, 2023, and 2024 — I am not my trauma. That also being said, I am not my past. I can accept, heal, and forgive the past. I do not have to live or dwell on what happened to me. I can, however, continue to talk about what happened to me to help and inspire others. I know that some of us prefer to go incognito and to heal in private; I choose to empower and inspire others because these are gifts that I’ve chosen to share with the world. I have to utilize these gifts for the good while prioritizing self-care and taking breaks, as needed.
A part of acceptance-commitment therapy, I’ve learned to accept my pain but not necessarily ignore it. I’ve had super traumatic things and people do harmful things to me such as being stalked since 2021 and I’ve only started to talk about it after being silenced for years. I’m learning about my triggers and how being stalked for so many years has impacted my past and current relationships (this includes friendships). I’m learning that when I’m in those triggered states to fully disengage from social media altogether for the sake of my supports, communities, and friendships. When I’m triggered, I’m not quite myself. I’m learning to accept those ‘not so good days’ and that not every day will be a good day such as yesterday. Yesterday was not a good day because I was sleep deprived and so, as a result, I purposely deactivated Twitter and I prioritized my sleep and self-care. I no longer find it beneficial to be on social media if I’m sleep deprived, triggered, or in a not so good frame of mind; it doesn’t make too much sense to me.
So how do we fully accept ourselves? We have to start with therapy. I do understand that therapy is not feasible for some of us due to expenses and other barriers. You can start through self-help and this can look like podcasts on Spotify or through meaningful Twitter spaces highlighting self compassion, confidence speaking, healing, recovery, and other related content. And to note, I will never be an expert on any of these topics. Like I always say, “progress is not linear” and there will be good and bad days. We still have to live in the here and the now, and we must not give up on ourselves. We have to fight for life.
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From the image above, I personally hit my rock bottom in 2023 when I was sexually assaulted by a predator that was twice my age. I met this individual off of Twitter and I regret ever doing so. Upon hearing this person speak in spaces, he had a large stutter and the way he presented himself in spaces — I was hesistant to even meet up with him. However, I felt terrible as he spoke about being depressed for so many months, being on employment insurance, and having his place in a not so good state. Given the nice person I am, I offered to clean his place for free and I don’t necessarily regret doing that because I know this made a difference; I regret opening the door on repeat occassions, even where there were red flags. This part of my life really traumatized and triggered me, and I don’t expect anyone to fully understand this except for myself because I am the one that experienced the abuse. The red flags were all there and I was too blind sided to see them given my already vulnerable state and my drive and motivation to want to help everyone.
When I reported the case of sexual assault against my perpetrator, this went on for a good year where the perp had mandatory court hearings. I was in between counselling and trying to figure out what happened to me, while piecing together the events from May and the summer of 2023. So much happened to a point where I am not afraid of literal graveyard sites. Apparently and according to a close friend in real life, she confronted my perpetrator about everything and he had mentioned something about a graveyard situation in which I have no re-collection of. I mentioned that to the police and that specific ‘not knowing’ and not having any memory of that particular situation was also a motivator to try to abstain from alcohol; that was my rock bottom.
Eventually, the sexual assault case got wrongfully dismissed on June 13th of 2024, and I went into autistic shutdown mode and I was basically done with life altogether. I’m no longer done with life or in that mode anymore. I do, yes, have my moments where I do need time and space to myself which is understandable. We’re imperfect human beings. In regards to my rock bottom, that’s when I decided to stop drinking alcohol altogether and this took time to stop and fight the urges. I’m sure to any recovering alcoholic, we are in denial at the very beginning and we don’t realize the detrimental impacts of alcohol and its effects on us and others until we reach that rock bottom. And so, I reached my rock bottom upon being sexually assaulted and I tried for months fighting those urges to not drink alcohol. The whole reason I was raped in May and the summer of 2023 was because of alcohol and marijuana — Some people take advantage of vulnerable autistics that are naive, crave connection, and who have insecure attachment styles. My rapist took advantage of me. He can no longer work with vulnerable communities which is a good thing and everything is on file. Even though that case got dismissed, my rapist has a criminal history and he’s not allowed to work with anyone vulnerable or marginalized. And it scares me at the fact that he wanted to work in a daycare last year — Thank goodness, he is not allowed too for the sake of the children!! When he said that to the judge during one of his mandated court hearings last year, I wanted to throw up in my month because, think about it — A rapist working for children? That is a huge NO. I brought up that concern to the authorities like the lead detective on the case and I do bring up a very fair point. Rapists should not be working with children period.
2023 was a rocky rollercoaster of ups and downs, and I will admit I was very unstable because of being sexually assaulted. When I was sexually assaulted back in 2016 by a landlord, which occurred in an underground parking lot in the middle of wherever, I was in my early 20’s at the time — I did not cope too well during that time either and 2016 was actually the year when I started to heavily drink alcohol. Before 2016, I barely touched alcohol. I experimented with weed and a bunch of coolers and vodka at 16 years old and this was also due to peer pressure. Let’s just say, I was hung over the next day and I had school and had to pretend to not be hung over in front of my teachers and mother (after school).
Upon checking myself into an inpatient facility nearby my location back in September and October of 2023 — This helped my mental and physical health. I was able to come to terms with everything and remain abstinent from alcohol which helped the not drinking because you cannot drink in hospital settings. Being inpatient has taught the importance of healthier coping mechanisms and self care that we all need from time to time. The end of 2023 and the last few months were not the greatest for a lot of us, including myself, but I made it work and I ended everything on a positive note. That being said because of those inpatient hospitalization stays, I am now two months sober from alcohol; I will be three months sober from alcohol on January 29th of 2025. I refuse to go back there because alcohol does not agree with me at all. Marijuana and that itself only agrees with me and I rarely smoke it anyway.
They always say in al-anon meetings that in order to fully and effectively abstain from alcohol, you must hit your rock bottom first. This will look differently for everyone. For me, it took being traumatized far too many times to eventually say “no” to things only causing additional problems in my life. I often ask myself the following questions when I reflect back on 2023:
- What if I hadn’t been drinking? Without the alcohol, I wouldn’t have been raped, possibly. I used to blame myself. Getting support from victim services and other mental health professional supports have altered my thinking to: A rapist is a rapist regardless of substances abused. They made the choice to rape and they must live with the consequences of their harmful behavior. A rapist will always be a rapist and there is no changing who they are.
- Second question: If I didn’t meet my rapist from online and invite him to a work event, my life may be different. There’s also a reason why certain people enter our lives. If I try to think about the good things about this person, there are none but maybe one thing but I learnt this myself — The true meaning of butterflies — We each start off as caterpillars and we eventually turn into butterflies throughout our own healing and recovery journeys. I personally like to call this transformative change. So there is something positive I have taken out of that experience from last year. Other than that, there is nothing else.
With that being said, let’s add a nice butterfly quote here:
As much as I used to say, “I miss my twenties,” I actually do not. I’m glad I’m 30 years old as I have a much better mindset and I’m tougher than the person I used to be for my traumatic experiences brought out this fierceness that I was too afraid to bring out before. I’m stronger than ever and I don’t give up, amidst my own challenges.
Don’t give up either. We can’t and we have to keep on going.
There is help and good people out there — Very rare to find those good people but they do exist because I found them myself and it took years.
