Christmas is Self-Reflection
Acknowledge those mistakes — Be empowered and hold yourself accountable to try to improve and change. This helps to show your true, authentic self and it shows that we’re each only human beings on planet earth.
None of us have it together. We’re all interconnected on this planet and we’re trying to survive every day — But let’s throw positivity there too — We’re not only trying to survive; we’re also thriving. We’re thriving because we’ve survived the worse, unspeakable days ever. We’re surviving and thriving because we’re still alive. On top of those temporary not so good days, we’re still here, alive and breathing, and that itself is a blessing to be grateful and appreciative for.
We’re each placed on planet earth for a reason. People come into our lives for reasons, seasons, and for a life time. We can only love and be kind to people, especially those that are struggling the most throughout the holidays. I’m struggling too and I know I’m not alone because there’s community and that’s the point of Christmas. Nobody is really alone during the holidays — We’re all there together. We’re all interconnected and giving love and kindness to one another. We can all just try. It’s the small efforts that matter every day.
From my last entry, I kept it brief and it was regarding the holidays and my own personal grieving. Yes, I miss my mom. We used to have many memories together. For this Christmas, she is in New Jersey and I hope she’s well. I did wish her a Merry Christmas because I can’t just not message her — She’s still my mom. I have let go of the past and my own abandonment when it comes to 2015 and the ‘remarriage’ with my mom and her new husband in which I don’t really approve of. However, I’ve let go of that and that is for my own healing and recovery.
I’ve made my own family, my chosen family, and we each love each other even if we’re a bit distant from one another. That’s okay. I still have so much love to give because these people have helped and are still helping me learn and grow into a beautiful, transformative butterfly.
On this special day, please keep in mind that Christmas is not just about community. Christmas is about self-reflection and thinking about all of those who could have walked but they stayed.
Christmas is about being appreciative for those that have not given up, amidst their own challenges. I shed a tear as I type this because I hold gratitude in my heart every day. I have not really had many people there for me as many have given up due to my inability to properly communicate and being an, overall, difficult person — However, recognizing and being more openly transparent every day about being on the spectrum on autism and having that self-awareness — Like owning my difficult behaviors, it helps to recognize those behaviors if that makes sense. And having that self-awareness, I’m able to talk about it in places such as therapy or, one-to-one with my sponsor. I’m able to at least try to behave a little better and this can begin with patience and by taking a step back, especially when the ones we love and hold dearly to our hearts are grieving and holding a very heavy heart.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m holding a heavy heart too and, from my last entry, it has to do with my mom. It’s okay though. I cope through many different things: Netflix, grounding techniques, YouTube, walks, and even live tracking Santa Claus. Whatever helps, helps. I will also admit that, when I cannot manage those overwhelming thoughts, that is when even a joint of indica weed may help but that’s on the rare occasion. Most of the time nowawadays, I just walk into the emergency department and say that I need help because there is help out there and hospitals are places to keep people safe. From that stalker in the year of 2021, they told me once through an anonymous Tellonym message that I was ‘wasting hospital resources’ by checking into the emergency department. I am not though. I am simply keeping myself safe. That is what hospitals are for.
On that note, I wrote a lot. I wanted to remind you all the relevance of Christmas as we celebrate whether it be alone or with our loved ones.
Christmas is community, connection, love, hope, and faith. Together, we are stronger.
Where there is struggle, there is strength.
Sending love and appreciation to you from Canada!!
