Heartbreak

What does friendship mean to you? I’ve never had many friends growing up. I was socially awkward with a lisp and a literal speech impediment. People would repeatedly ask me what I was saying and it was annoying but I repeated myself many times. It was the ‘R’ words that I couldn’t pronounce and there’s still words as an adult that I cannot pronounce. I also don’t have many friends because of my inability to properly and effectively communicate.

On October 9th, I sent a stupid email when I should have reached out for my own support instead of relying on a friend that is very close to my heart, and I can’t let go. It is very hard to let go and I was stupid last night by sending some cease and desist letter out of heated anger. I never meant to send that and I know she will forgive me. I do want this person to check in on me and I do still trust me. I’m over the slander and the mentions of my name through another popular platform. I didn’t like it how she kept on saying, “cyber stalker (my name)” and it was as if she was instigating and trying to get my attention. Well, I’m reacting to it and I don’t like it. And apparently she thinks I’m some dangerous individual who will break into their house. I don’t think she knows me then because I would never do that. The only harm I am is to myself guys — If a friend that I really really do care about tells me to ‘stop,’ I stop. I know I fcuked up everything by sending that stupid cease and desist letter. I didn’t mean to send it.

I permanently deactivated my vent account because I’m feeling like I don’t deserve support. I don’t deserve Twitter, connection, or even community. I don’t feel good at all as I feel like, out of own frustrations, inability to understand, and my lack of processing — I think I have permanently pushed this person away for good and I don’t she realizes how apologetic I actually am. I can only move on and hope I don’t repeat the same patterns. This person is like family to me and, yes, I will admit that. I used to think she was like a ‘second mom;’ I don’t even think that anymore. I am my own mother and it’s unfair of someone with current health struggles to be expected to be put in a place where they have to supplemental parent someone at 30 years old.

I think from my own auditory processing — The huge lesson out of this is to, supposedly, be self-reliant and know that ‘help is out there’ and that I don’t have to deal with these intense emotions/feelings myself. I shouldn’t be relying on my friends as therapists. This person is a good person. They made claims that they feel I’m stalking them. I want to acknowledge their feelings and also provide reassurance that, “I am someone that is better than that.” They made claims about me stalking them because I visited their account on X multiple times but isn’t X a public platform? Therefore, I will no longer visit their account unless they give me permission; I thought that was okay because I care about their wellbeing and I wanted to see and know how they were doing. If they really want nothing to do with me anymore, I will accept that and it will hurt such as right now. It’s like every single emotion is hitting at once. Is this letting go looks like ? But I don’t think I am fully at the stage of letting go yet.

This person. I consider them more than friends which not in a mother role anymore but maybe as in a big sister role. I think it’s better to say big sister than mom. Sister’s can guide us. My own sister was a bully to me. I hope that my friend knows that I do care even if things may be bleak between us. I know when to take a step back and they should to be afraid of me, ever.

When they sent me an email about 2 days ago, the email was concerning. I did not hesitate and called for a wellness check. They posted about me pretending to care. I never pretend to care. When I care about someone, I give it my all and I may go to extremes about caring for someone. Is this a bad thing? I have a huge heart with a lot to love.

—

I will hold myself accountable for what I posted on my vent account upon deleting it.

I mentioned how my friend was falsely accusing me of stalking. Maybe this was me not fully understanding the definition of it altogether. I still feel this way but, for my friend, I’ll stop talking about it. I don’t know if it’s okay to say ‘friend’ and should I just say ‘person?’ I’ll stop altogether because I care and I want my friend to have a voice as much as I need my voice too. I think everything is hitting me at once and I never knew that I affected their feelings, as much as my feelings are affected too.

I’m holding myself accountable to say that I sent them a cease and desist letter in the middle of the night at 1:18am on December 6th of 2024. The letter indicated just to refrain from mentioning my name on all social media platforms and to not interfere with my main and vent accounts on Twitter/Bluesky. I really want to re-dact that letter and just say “fcuk it to everything.” What gives me a right to send a letter like that? My therapist is absolutely correct about my poor impulsivity. I get super defensive when it comes to my anonymous outlets. I’ve had these outlets taken away by someone I still do not know and this is my support — These are my outlets. Outlets help me. I’m autistic and I barely have people in my life and I think my walls are just getting higher and higher every day.

I’ve been on and off in this thing called therapy. I’ve been tuned into podcasts and self-help books. I even attend a DBT group which is online. I have a sponsor and I’m getting close to my two month mark for sobriety (without alcohol). I’ve made progress and I don’t want to go back to the person, unhealed version, I used to be if that makes sense.

I want to keep talking about these mistakes and embracing my mistakes — And trying to hold myself accountable by doing better. If you guys even saw me right now, you would probably try to hug me. I don’t feel like I deserve any hugs. I don’t feel like I deserve anyone’s sympathy and I need to figure this out myself.

I just know and my friend doesn’t have to believe that, that’s okay. I give a shit. I care for and love them in more ways than they think. I don’t react too well, nor do I cope too well when I am triggered and upset.

The few people that do know who I am on here — I just want to say thank you for not revealing who I am to the public. I may be a mess but I’m working on myself and I’m trying to hold myself accountable because I can’t live with certain things I said, especially with the stupid asf cease and desist letter I sent yesterday. If she does read this which I doubt, I want them to please dismiss that letter. I will call and inform the police myself about everything. I’m not necessarily making a report. I’m just getting help for myself? I’m getting more help for myself, if anything. I’m talking about my own behaviors and its impacts on the ones I love and care for.

I just can’t live with myself, knowing I’ve hurt someone — And this person has her own health struggles and a family that she’s trying to provide support for. I love this person so much and nothing will ever change my mind. The only memories I have are their sweet cards and my weighted unicorn which I will never get rid of.

So just to update — My next in-person therapy session is on December 20th.

I just know I’m trying and my best will have to be good enough. I won’t even apologize because apologizes are nothing without changed behaviors.

I will keep loving and caring for everyone, including those struggling with the worse, unspeakable battles. And for that — Last night, I re-activated all promotional pages for cancer. I still want to show my support to this person, even if never talk again. I will care for and love them from a distance.

I’m still learning what friendship is as I’ve barely had friends before. This person and Twitter/Bluesky also taught me about friendship. I’ve had to raise myself for many years without too much guidance. I’m not a perfect person and I think I’m just going to disengage for a bit, until I can somewhat find myself.

I don’t feel like I’m deserving of too much right now.

But happy holidays & Merry Christmas!!

Lots of love from mystical unicorn land.

P.S. I’m starting not to care about anonymity anymore because I know I value my friends more than anything. My friends have a voice just as I have mine. If they want to reveal who I am, go ahead. It may be better? I don’t hide anything.

On here, I’m raw and authentic, especially on mystic. I know when to take a step back. I know when I need to reach out and keep reaching out to keep helping myself because it is possible at the end of the day.

There is help.

There is hope.

Let’s all stand together as a community and just keep loving each other.

❤