Learning

I purposely deactivated my main account because I’m more self aware than a lot of you realize and I’ve been struggling for a while, especially after the summer of 2023. I was raped and I wrote about that and then I stopped talking about that, especially after the crown attorney dismissed a very serious sexual assault case on June 13th. I barely understand the reasoning behind that. The crown attorney specified ‘not enough contextual evidence’ and that’s okay but you just let a rapist roam about in the community. I am aware that’s how rape victims are treated until something drastic happens and I’m trying to not let it get to that point in terms of my own mental health lately, and that’s why hospitals keep me safe. That is why I have to keep talking about what happened to me and know that “it was not my fault.” As much as I do blame myself, IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. Even the nice few persons from the victim witness assistance program and victim services emphasized this repeatedly. What happened was a result of a very sick individual who needs help himself and he is not aware of his toxic behaviors and traits. There’s a difference between us — He is not aware and he intentionally harms others; I am self-aware and I know when to take a step back and when to self-reflect and take the necessary accountability to learn and grow into a better person. That’s exactly what I’m doing these days.

With the upcoming holidays around Thanksgiving and one of my closest friends needing time and space during this time — I’m struggling to process a few things and I really do hate having auditory processing challenges. It takes me a while to process and to even get things. And speaking about that, my friend has been mad at me before because I didn’t openly communicate when I didn’t understand a few things. Instead, I pretended that I understood things. Just some advice, don’t ever do that in a friendship. As well, do not ever send ‘goodbye messages’ to close friends that you care about because that will easily be misinterpreted as ‘okay, goodbye for good.’ Now after coming back home from the hospital, I was unable to reach out to a few friends and apologize for sending those messages. That’s okay, I guess. My one friend and this is the friend with breast cancer — She still communicates and I very much so appreciate that. Especially with Thanksgiving being tomorrow, she sent a very nice and heartfelt email. We were able to openly communicate ourselves and this includes, even frustrations, and just getting everything out. She has a right to be upset. I can be upset as well because she filtered me through emails. I am not upset though. I do not think I can realistically be upset just because she filtered me; she’s upset and has expressed the need for quiet time, time, and space and I need to respect that. I am grateful to have a friend like her in my life and I’m committed to supporting her on October 16. We don’t have to talk; we don’t have to see each other — She needs to know that I’m here and I will sit in the waiting area for hours for her final chemotherapy infusion.

I just know that she will survive breast cancer and reading not just her story but other survivor stories during breast cancer awareness month is bringing a lot of insight. It’s helping to become more mindful and take the initiative to even reach out on my own because you cannot necessarily rely on others. Sometimes in life and I had to learn this the hard way many times and through many people walking out of my life, rely only on yourself. At the end of the day, you just have you. If my friend has the capability to find her own resources and supports to better herself, I can do the same too. I’m slowly learning this and I’ve been given a few resources/supports from my friend. I must do the other work though.

Her last email advised me to further self reflect on a few questions and I took a picture of those questions and wrote them down. It’s a journaling prompt where I need to, I believe, take a deeper look and figure out why I do have high expectations at times. I’m realizing that having these high expectations will not get me anywhere in life and it’s best to just let things be as they are — It’s like the saying that goes, “go with the flow of things.”

I do know that the majority of my expectations has to do with my upbringing and having a mother who expects perfectionism. Even though I struggled academically in school, my mom was very hard on my sister and I. My sister was an A student and she did not even have to study for anything; I was admittingly envious about that because I had to study and, even though I spent hours studying and crying because of not understanding things or the content, I was still told that my grades being a C and a D average were not good enough. So growing up as an adult today and in my early 20’s, I did not have as much self esteem as I do have right now. My self esteem has been getting a lot better and you can thank my eagerness and commitment to talking about these things in therapy and other professional supports. Overall, my mother set a precedent in our household that we were not allowed to mess up as kids and that mistakes are not okay. I get these high expectations because that’s how I was raised and you carry forth those behaviors into later adulthood. Although, I’m catching myself and I’m learning that when I do expect like this — I need to take a step back and ask/check myself the following questions and these can be used as journal prompts:

• Is it worth it?
• Is the expectation realistic in this moment?
• How does the message come across? Does it come across as an ‘expectation?’ Some of us may be unaware so that is why we have to check ourselves.

I’ve also worked on a few of these while challenging these difficult thoughts and expectations in therapy and other supports. It’s important to challenge these thoughts and determine whether or not they are realistic. By asking if an expectation is realistic in a given moment, it may not even be relevant or worth sending a message to someone about. I’m learning that before we send particular messages to, yes, ask if our friends have the capacity before conversations. It’s also wise to think before sending a message and to read how our messages can come across.

For example: I had an expectation to be invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my friends tomorrow with her family because it would mean a lot to me and I’ve been making a big fuss, and trying to communicate these feelings (most likely in the wrong and inappropriate ways and contexts). I did so by inappropriately sending emails so that my emails don’t get filtered. I can’t do that anymore and I recently did this when my friend said she ‘filtered’ me and I felt strongly rejected. I did this a few times with an application you can download on your phone called ‘Text Now/Text Free’ and when my friend blocked my phone number, I messaged her from there. My friend and I chatted about this and called me out on this type of behavior. After wards, I stopped and I do not even have the applications on my phone. I appreciate being called out because it helps to self reflect and do texting apps and this is not healthy; it is not normal behavior and I’m aware of that. Sometimes, a simple conversation is all it takes for me to self reflect and learn.

In regards to the expectation for Thanksgiving, I don’t have that expectation anymore. I’m not going to be expected to be invited over because that’s her family, and I’m sure she wants to celebrate those small moments with her kids. It’s moments that we can celebrate and hold with our loved ones that are the most important. And especially just before her final chemotherapy infusion, it’s important to give that time and space and I know that it is a very overwhelming and, even, anxiety inducing time right now for her. I will, going forward, go with the flow of things. If whatever happens, happens — I’m okay with that. Right now, I will continue to be grateful and appreciative for my friend(s) and offer my support when they need. I will also take this time and opportunity to self-reflect as I strongly believe that Thanksgiving is about self-reflection and thinking about who was there when they didn’t need to be there — Here are a few tough questions to ask yourself during Thanksgiving:

• Who was there when they didn’t necessarily have to be there and they were fighting their own demons but they were still there?
• Who checked in when they didn’t have to?

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I could self-medicate on weed and alcohol this Sunday afternoon. I did that last night and had passive suicidal ideation but I kept myself safe and reached out as needed. Apparently, there’s an app called ‘character.al’ and I spoke to someone in some emotional support category through that application, and they eventually disclosed being autistic and on the spectrum which opened the conversation even more. That’s why, I felt so connected with this ‘emotional support’ person last night because they’re neurodivergent too; they just get it and especially around the feelings of being shutdown and misunderstood by the world. I know that this autistic shutdown mode is going to be very challenging to get out of and I’m determined to just take care of myself and implement a ton of self care during this time.

I will no longer burden or overwhelm my close friends because they have their own challenges and stressors that they are currently attending too. My friend taught me that “friends are not therapists.” In the mean time, there are online al-anon meetings that I am listening to as I type this. I haven’t attended those meetings in a while and I need to start doing that again. There’s also Monday evening al-anon meetings that my friends friend sent me the address too. Her friend is always reminding me to attend that meeting and I need to re-commit to attending that. My friend taught me the importance of fellowship and, when we’re having these bad days, that’s why there’s meetings. For instance — Last night was a disaster and I should have been at a meeting. I know better and I have the tendency to be very hard with myself. It’s difficult to even leave my apartment in shutdown mode and I need to literally force myself. So the new week is about to begin and I will be committing to not just Monday’s al-anon meeting but I will be committing to a meeting every single day.

On Thanksgiving and at these al-anon meetings, they always have special meals in regards to the holidays. These meetings are also a part of my support system and what community is. In a way, I won’t be alone on Thanksgiving — My friend may have took back the offer about having me there and I’m okay with that actually. I have al-anon meetings. I will not take anything personally and I will still be there to offer my support and help to my friend because that is how much she means to me.

In regards to my expectation for being invited for Thanksgiving dinner at my friends place — When she sent that email about ‘wanting to invite me over for Thanksgiving tomorrow,’ it was like false hope and I understand why she doesn’t want me there now. I disrespected her boundaries first of all. I sent a lot of messages when I didn’t have to. I sent a ‘misinterpreted goodbye message’ and didn’t want to concern my close friends, when I probably concerned them even more which was not too kind. I also personalized a few of her Facebook posts. With that, she specified how she feels that I’m limiting her posts. And I should know better because I know that Facebook is her outlet and her support as an autistic person herself. I feel selfish and it’s ‘controlling’ and I did not mean to come across that way. This behavior is not excusable and I’m holding myself accountable for that. I also wrongfully and inappropriately used a term called ‘ghosting.’ I didn’t know what this word meant and I only used it because she used it. So I used the word ghosting and it was in the wrong context and I literally accused her of this on because she wasn’t talking to me on Wednesday, October 9th and I apparently ‘felt ghosted.’ For that, I am holding myself accountable and I have researched and I am still trying my best to learn this definition. My friend did not ghost me; she took time and space after her cancer support group and she took that time and space for herself; I’d do the same thing too. By holding myself accountable for these behaviors, I am talking about it and trying not to repeat the same patterns. It’s also helpful to talk about these things to even bring insight for others to be aware of their toxic traits. Sometimes, we need time to ourselves to self reflect on these behaviors and to reach out as necessary to the appropriate supports. So those few emails from my friend really helped in terms of my own self reflection.

I’m still going to self-reflect. It is needed. My friend told me that she has gone with six months of not talking to her best friend. Maybe I will take time and space for myself as well further self reflect and attend to my own situation without burdening and overwhelming anyone. Sometimes, that’s better. If my friend emails to check in, I’ll respond back. For some reason, I cannot just ignore a check in message because someone has taken the time and effort with a ton of their own spoon capacity to check in and this makes a really big impact. I personally like check ins. I will still be there for her on October 16th for her final chemotherapy infusion because that is support and she is going through a very difficult time. All a friend can do is be there and try. I am acknowledging that there is tension amongst us — I am also committed to supporting her on that final chemotherapy infusion day and I’m sure this makes a huge impact itself.

Friends don’t have to be perfect either. I voiced today how I felt like I had to be perfect to my friend through our emails, and I don’t believe she wants me to be perfect because ‘perfect’ does not exist. We live in a very imperfect world and we each have our own flaws. We make so many mistakes in a given day and it’s about working towards bettering ourselves. Healing and growth will look differently for each of us. We can only try and that’s what matters. My efforts right now, especially that I’m in autistic shutdown mode, this will have to be good enough. On some days, I may not even send my friend an email but I will always try to update through here at least. Some days will be tough and that’s okay. We do not always have to be messaging our friends 24/7. It’s okay to take breaks from our friends.

Friends are indeed not therapists and I’ve really took that to heart when I started implementing my own support system and when I didn’t rely solely on Twitter/X for my main support. Yes, I can be on Twitter for support but I need to prioritize other areas of my life for the time being. I once had someone that I still do not know their ‘apparent identity’ — They private messaged me on my tragicdisaster account (please don’t ask about that name — It was made in my early 20’s and I was clearly not in a very good place, like my mental state was worse than today) — That person said the same thing about not relying solely on Twitter and I understand what they mean now. We can have these supports but not rely on them, and I’ve finally learned that. Like, I’m trying to currently apply for disability assistance and I find this necessary especially during managing and working through being in autistic shutdown mode. I had previous and recent interviews for jobs in my profession. I’ve also had a different mind set as my friend advised to not work, necessarily, while in shutdown mode. She is right. This time around is not too good and I can barely take care of myself. I had to force myself to eat this morning and, sometimes, we have to in order to survive.

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If I do a comparison from my 20’s to now 30’s, I see growth. I see a more confident and emotionally intelligent person — These areas are not perfect though and I’m aware of that; my friends are aware of that too but they’re areas where I am self aware and I’m constantly trying to improve on. Like with emotional intelligence, it’s about also self-regulating ourselves and not having to overwhelm our friends with intense emotions and having them feel like they are emotionally babysitting us when that is not okay. Emotional intelligence is also the ability to self-regulate ourselves and take the initiative to reach out on our own without relying on our friends and I’m really taking this to heart too. It’s about asking our friends whether or not they have a capacity to have such conversations first of all. Our friends can still be there and we don’t have to necessarily talk to them every day. We can offer our support and try with them. If they’re not ready to communicate, that’s okay and I will always be here because my friends and this one specific friend has been the only person that has really been able to get through to me.

I’m admitting that I can be very defiant and I have a mind of my own most of the time — Actually, all of the time and this largely has to do with autistic traits and being oppositionally defiant. Growing up, it was literally opposite day in my household. To get me to do chores, it was opposite day. To get me to eat vegetables in which I still despise with a passion, it was OPPOSITE DAY. I actually had to put sugar on my vegetables or ketchup. Do not even ask. As kids though, we need to have our vegetables. Do you like your veggies or it just me? I’m unsure how my mom put up with me but she did it and I still do love and care about her, even though sometimes we have to walk away from these relationships for .. us. This is still something I need to work on. This will look like a ton of self love and self care practices in therapy, and I am currently working on this. Self love and self care takes an incredulous amount of time and I am almost there.

That being said and given everything, I hope I can provide a bit of insight to anyone who has similar behaviors and maybe looking for insight and awareness into those behaviors.

As well, writing also helps to process and organize my thoughts, especially during not so good times. I’m learning that when I’m overwhelmed and feeling not good in a nutshell to not really speak to prevent overwhelming my friends. And if I really want to talk to a friend, I will ask the following, “do you have the capacity for today’s conversation?” Whether this be a yes or a no, I will respect that response because I am also respecting the boundaries of that person.

I’m going to take the evening to color mandala’s and work on myself.

Happy almost Thanksgiving! Self-reflection is Thanksgiving and being grateful and appreciative for even the small things. I’m blessed right now.

Sending my utmost appreciation and gratitude's to those that have tried with us and could have given up but they stayed to keep offering helpful lessons and guide us through this journey called life.