Reparenting

I’ve undergone years of being unsure of myself and having to think that I had to be perfect to my mother. I never grew up with a father. I mean, he was present in the household but he stayed in our basement and drank during our childhood. The ‘our’ is my sister and I. My sister was always independent and I was awkwardly attached to my mom. I’m starting to talk about this a lot more — And especially what seperation anxiety actually looks like for me.

My mom will and has always been a special figure in my life, and when my therapist asked me a question about my mom on December 2nd — I had mentioned how it was her birthday. I then mentioned how I needed to fully let go of my mom and I think there’s unsurity about that because I do still love her. There have been toxic traits such as her own emotional abuse towards my sister and I, and her being distant during our childhood. I don’t appreciate that. I also know she was distant due to being miserable for so many years with my biological father. When I say that my father drank himself to death every single day, he drank himself to death. On top of his drinking, he was abusive both emotionally and physically to all of us. My mom separated herself from that and didn’t want to be a part of it. As my sister got older, she had her friends. As I got older, I felt stuck as I barely had friends — I had maybe the odd friend or so. I was a part of a small clique of friends in high school. I still missed my mom, and I know I’ve always been awkwardly attached to her for many years. She’s just my mom. These days, she doesn’t exist to me as I had to let go whilst reparenting myself. It is necessary and for the better for my further health and stability. Unfortunately, some people are not privileged to have mothers.

Ever heard of separation anxiety?

In my definition, separation anxiety has to do with feeling afraid to leave a loved one and when you leave that loved one such as a biological mother that you’ve always been attached too — You start developing unrealistic and unhealthy attachments in which I am so much self-aware of and I tend to distance myself when I do find myself getting attached. There are various attachment styles. As imperfect human beings, we are attached and interconnected to people and that is a normal part of life. It’s about navigating those insecure to more secure attachment styles in order to be more at peace with ourselves and happier. It takes a lot of self-love and reparenting. And don’t get me wrong, I’m still working on this.

This past week, I found myself in those same insecure attachment styles in which I’ve caught myself and I checked into the emergency department yesterday. I got placed on a form 1 and got fed really good lunch and dinner? The nursing staff gave me Ativan upon discharging me upon a few hours. During the day here, I was able to debrief about my friend situation and somewhat get more clarity and understanding. I need more clarity and understanding as it admittingly takes me a while to process and I’m struggling to come to terms with a lot. And when I’m struggling these days, I either shut down or walk into emergency departments.

However last night, I decided to take my Ativan just prescribed meds and overdose on them because I felt it was easier to be in a coma/die. I felt like I was burdening and overwhelming everyone by my own existence. I didn’t mean to do that. I had a friend who physically checked in last night as we had planned to get together. I wasn’t responding and this person got concerned. This person conducted their own wellness check, and they were right to be concerned. I was brought back to the hospital and basically told not to make too much Ativan.

I’ve been in the hospital since with passive suicidal thoughts.

Upon doing my own self reflection, I managed to send an apology email to my close friend and I wanted to also express how much the person means to me, even them just existing. I also mentioned how better off dead I’d be to this individual and I honestly still feel this. I’m doubtful this person even cares about my feelings and life though.

I just need her to care. But anyways, I don’t know the plan for this morning. It’s almost 7am on December 7th and I’m sitting in a chair with a blanket over my head. December 6th was not good, given the overdose. I do feel a lot better today and I am somewhat ready to go home and so I’ll keep you guys updated.

I’m struggling to ask for breakfast because I’m hungry as hell. Being autistic and asking for what we want can be a very daunting and tedious task. I’m feeling, right now, abandoned here and I can’t explain it. I know it’s close to 7am and I think that’s the new shift change people coming in.

I hope I can get breakfast soon? I’m pretty hungry. I’m feeling a bit better upon sending that apology email from last night but still feeling the same. I still want to die but I know the system when it comes to autistics navigating it is not too feasible for us. We are excluded from literally everything and invisible.

And I’m sorry to say this, once and if I’m discharged today — I’m not going home. I’m not in the right frame of mind. I’m not okay. Every time I try to vocalize that, I get nothing and nobody takes this autistic seriously so what’s the point to even speak anymore?

Every day, I’m getting closer to fighting and dying. I just can’t do this anymore. It’s all too tough.

-anonymous

Hospital food isn’t the greatest. It fed me though. The breakfast this morning was gross also. I would not recommend decaffeinated coffee. And that’s why I asked for decaffeinated tea but even that is terrible. Maybe it was the choice of tea used?

All I can think about is life and how everything around me may be going wrong. I can only look at the now and try to reflect and do and be better though.