Sleep Deprivation

That is the exact state I am in. Being heavily autistic, this not only interferes with my routine and structure that I’ve built for myself — it’s not feasible anymore to do that night shifts. It’s not me. And I’m glad I’ve been honest with management and my supervisor about my struggles, especially being autistic.

I also take medication for ADHD and my autism and I have to take these medications on a consistent schedule. I’ve noticed that my medication schedule is not consistent which is not okay or too healthy. I remember back in my early 20’s when I did not take my Concerta and, often times, it feels like that all over again because I am not taking my Concerta on a consistent basis. This medication has been just about the only medication that has significantly helped. I’ve been on other medications such as Zoloft, Paxil, and Sertraline and they’ve all made me suicidal. I’ve been on much more of these meds!! A part from all of that, my Concerta medication is a medication I know that works and has benefits to my mental and physical health. That being said, the overnights are impacting it’s ability to work. I know my body and what works for me as Iive with myself.

When I’m sleep deprived, I don’t have the spoons capacity for anything. By spoons capacity, it’s an autistic term where we just don’t care and don’t have the physical energy to even get up from bed and make a meal. We’re unable to properly socialize with our friends. If we have plans with anyone, that’s literally out of the picture so, please, no offense to any of my friends. I’m in a literal crisis state right now.

All I want is to sleep and my body is but letting me. I’m lying here in the dark and I can write. That’s about it. When I’m sleep deprived, I also ruminate and over think. Hopefully, all of this rumination tires me out and I’ll be able to sleep.

At this point, I think I’m desperate and I will try anything. If I have to take like 40 mg of melatonin, I will do that. That may be risky and send me into an instant coma though. That’s how desperate I am to sleep!!

I did, however, take a lorazepam because this relaxes me. I don’t have anxiety on this medication. It mellows me out and I’m already starting to see the effects of this medication.

I need at least 2–3 days of sound, good sleep. That sounds so lovely doesn’t it?

If I suddenly disappear for a few days, that truly means I am in sleepy land and re-energizing myself.

As of right now, I have 0 spoons. And I’m getting frustrated at the smallest of things very easily!!