Trauma Responses
I think I’m realizing I get triggered by my own trauma responses. This, I’m still learning a lot — Even at 30 years old, I’m learning so much about myself and developing more self awareness than I ever had in my 20’s.
In my 20’s, I was, in all honesty, a hot mess of instability. I was very impulsive and that doesn’t mean I’m not impulsive today. I’m still impulsive and that has to do with being an ADHD’er with autistic traits. I also have hyperactivity which is why coffee is a huge no no. Although, I do have the odd coffee when I absolutely need it because why not? I also do over night shifts from Sunday to Thursday (12am to 8am), I just may need a coffee tonight. I just took a 10mg of melatonin on Thursday, January 2nd at 10:50am. For sone strange reason, I can feel a sudden pain now at the corner of my (I think it’s left?) left side stomach area but it’s on the side. I’m going to shrug that pain off and hope that I will be okay. Maybe my body is tired of all of the Lorazepam and cold medicine, and now I’m feeding it melatonin because I NEED SLEEP.
What was I talking about again?
This is another ADHD trait, where I tend to talk about one thing and then get side-tracked and possibly forget what I’m even talking about.
However, the blog title helps here as it’s about trauma responses. How are YOUR trauma responses? How do you personally cope with super triggering and overwhelming situations? Are you able to process certain situations okay or do you need time to process those situations?
For myself, I know I need a lot of time. And it isn’t just time that I need but I need to re-group myself. When I do get heavily triggered, I’m realizing that I forget who I am and I do say not so kind things which is a huge reason why I purposely and permantely deactivated a vent account. I will no longer re-activate that account as I harmed, unintentionally, a very close friend to my heart. She’s going through many battles — From cancer to losing a pet and grieving loved ones. I wish I can be there and just sit with this person but I have to respect their preference for solitude and give it time.
I have started that conversation in therapy about two sessions ago because everything got to a point where I was mentally and physically done with allowing my triggers to get in the way of my interpersonal relationships — The very few close friends that I have right now are the ones I do still consider as my chosen family. Because my own biological family, they weren’t really there. Where was my mom in 2016 and 2023 when I had to make a statement of sexual assault? I did it all alone. Although I had assistance from persons in social services. I still needed my mother and she was not there. So I’ve learned to reparent myself and to phrase it life this, “I am my own mom. I control my life and nobody else does.” There’s also a bunch of very good ‘reparenting’ and ‘inner wound healing’ podcasts on Spotify. I have not listened to a podcast in a whe and I do belive that is what I need to do, possibly for my next upcoming overnight (January 2nd at 11:59pm). After my last overnight, comes my weekend — I have Friday’s and Saturday’s off.
As for today, I’m taking a break from social interaction. I’m in my thoughts and I’m not in the greatest mood. My therapist advised that when I’m in these states — to just do me and take a break for a while. This doesn’t mean that I need to deactivate anything; my account will still be there. I’m just doing me and I’m very tired, mentally and physically. As I wait for the 10mg of melatonin to kick in, I will keep writing… I was tempted to take 2 of the melatonin which would equal to 20mg. However, I’m too afraid too because I think that’s too much (as much as I do want to escape these painful thoughts at the moment). Everyone’s entitled to a tough day from time to time — Today is that day.
I have to keep grounding myself and knowing that, “yes, everything will fall into place” and that “everything does tend to happen for a reason” and “no, everybody, they’re not out to get you.” I do go through my own ups and downs These days during these mood shifts, I tend to keep to myself, do distraction-like activities, or take breaks; these are all healthier as compared to venting 24/7 in a day which is another reason why I said screw the vent account. I also VALUE, love, and care for my close friends more in real life than social media right now. When I care for and love someone, I will make, even the smallest effort, to try to better myself.
Life is continuous learning and growth, and sometimes, we want to give up. We can’t though. What does giving up do? Giving up makes us feel unfilled, unworthy, and more depressed. We have to try to cling onto that little bit of hope, even when we don’t want to. We have to try. Trying is better than nothing.
🫶🫶🫶
-Mystic
