Un-Routine
I’m a structured and routine type of person — A part of being autistic, I crave and need my routine. Without that, I’m pretty much nothing and I do not feel like I have much routine/structure these days, especially doing overnights. Like, I literally do not think I can do this anymore. I’m on the verge of tears and I am losing my mind. I rather be broke and homeless than continue to work grave yard shifts, and sacrifice my mental and physical health for what? I’m sacrificing my mental and physical health for money apparently — It’s to pay my rent of $1435, on top of bills and utilities and I am soo done with this.
I’m tired of conforming to neurotypical standards — I’m definitely not neurotypical. You know the amount of times I’ve mentioned disliking these overnight shifts to my supervisor and manager!? I have mentioned this too many times and I am now officially done working these shifts. It will be difficult to send an email about my preference to, unforunately, move down to part time work and still stay employed there. I am still on probation and I don’t think that matters. At the end of the day if an employer values mental and physical health — They’ll just get it. I do believe my supervisor gets it though. He’s done overnights and he told me specifically that he will never do overnights again. I was foolish to sign that job offer. All because I needed money at the time and I still DO need money. But I’m sacrificing my mental and physical health, and this isn’t okay because I love myself more than that.
I know before I make any rash decisions, I will reach out for support this evening because I need too. I’m not in the greatest mood and I can’t process or concentrate on anything. I do not feel like myself and my brain feels like it’s on fire.
I used to do overnights for two solid years and I ended up putting myself on a leave of absence there, eventually getting a grievance type of settlement and that organization paid me about $5000 for discriminatory whatever you call it. Let’s just say — They needed to further accommodate me because of my mental health. I also had the choice to return back there with conditions: To send documentation to be stay on my Concerta medication and to attend al-anon addictions counselling. I truly miss that organization and I’ve tried countless times to apply back there. I love it there!! I am, however, embarrassed at my last day that didn’t really end well. Imagine being hungover, withdrawing from Concerta & Cymbalta medications, sleep deprived, and hungry all at the same — I stupidly threw a program phone across the room of our staff office and was basically sent home by the on-call person. I then placed myself on a leave of absence after wards and told myself that I would never do overnights again. I can’t begin to understand why I signed that job offer. I know I was desperate as I was in a not so good place, financially and mentally. I’m doing a little bit better and I’ve always been scared of going back there to February of 2015.
If you read my blog entry titled February 2015, I write about not having anything and starting right at the very bottom and, often times, it feels like I am going exactly back there.
Like right now and after many hours of trying to sleep again since about 12pm, I can’t sleep anymore and this is after taking a 10mg of melatonin. Melatonin does not work. People should not be doing overnights period and I am sooooo done with making these sacrifices!! If I lose everything such as my apartment and dignity, then screw it. I rather have my mental health and physical health in check than sacrifice my sleep on a 5-day work week. So now, I sit here with music in the background and this shall be my evening. I don’t have the spoons or the energy to do anything. I’m pretty much useless and this isn’t me at all. I need to think over a few things. What are my priorities?
I already know that these overnights will not be a long term thing. Like, I just can’t do it on a long-term basis. It sucks because it’s just me. I don’t have parents. I never had ‘stable’ parents, per say. From reparenting myself, I am my own parent and I have to make these decisions for myself. And when you have adhd combined with autistic traits, making these proper decisions can seem almost impossible. That’s why I write because it helps to get these thoughts out and to process what’s on my mind.
I just know I’m not in a good mood and I can’t be around people today. I need to be in my own space and think about stuff. I cannot be around people on no sleep. I do not feel like myself and I will never be myself on no sleep. I don’t know how some over nighters have been doing it for about 10 years with, I think, no issues? I highly doubt there have been no issues though. Realistically if you do grave yard shifts for 10 years, there will eventually be issues from a health perspective. I used to take nursing so I know exactly what I am talking about. And if someone still disagrees and says, “oh I am okay working overnights,” they’re obviously lying; I refuse to buy into that bullfcukery.
Anyways. I think I know what I need to do. My supervisor even said it during my first supervisory meeting, “don’t struggle and force yourself to do these overnights if you’re really struggling.” And he basically added a very good point about my mental and physical health coming first, and taking action for me.
I’m one person — Overnights are not for me and I’m hopeful I will get an even better job and still have this other job on a part-time basis. My supervisor did tell me that I could work part-time hours if it were to come down to that. So I’m taking the weekend to think this over and be in my own space. This is just enough — I can’t work these grave yard shifts anymore and I’ve tried, and I honestly do it.
